Why Is Moving On So Hard?

“Broken hearts hurt but they will make you strong”

-Unknown

I am by no means a relationship expert. However; I've suffered enough hurt in romantic situations to consider myself wiser than 13 year old me who was crushing on Troy Bolton from High School Musical. I watched too many rom-coms at a young age and led myself down the garden path of thinking love was going to be an easy walk-in-the park. Boy, was I wrong...

Let's get into my experience...

The break down of any relationship or friendship is always painful, regardless of if it comes to an explosive end and you're glad to see the back of them. The brain still processes the experience as a loss and that's why it hurts. Because it's basically, a loss.

I've never been particularly embarrassed by expressing my feelings to someone, unlike some people.

I had my first boyfriend in primary school and I used to write him love letters and hide them in the small plastic ball the boys used to play football. I remember the day he rejected my love letter and was then caught looking under my friends skirt, although, she was "showing" him. That hurt my feelings. I felt rejected and I felt like he thought she was somehow better than me, despite her having her own boyfriend who was also my friend and the fact we were all not even 7 years old yet.

I guess you could say, it's pretty funny and cute to see children playing out "adult" situations however, the feelings that come with these situations are no less real than the feelings real adults feel.

I disbelieve the phrase "Oh, they're just children". Pain is Pain.

I asked both my friend and my new-found ex on separate occasions why they did what they did and they just blamed each other.

Typical really, huh? It hurt for a few days, but life moved on.

In primary school, just before I moved up to high school, I made it known I had a crush on one of my classmates who just kind of shrugged it off. Everybody tried to make me feel embarrassed but that didn't work. I kind of, just felt pretty brazen about my feelings. They were what they were and despite people trying to push my crush and I into a relationship, it didn't go anywhere. No huge loss to me.

Then, when I moved into my early teens and began to watch more teen films and rom-coms. I experienced more heart break. It sucked massively, but in reality I knew it was because I had fallen in love with an "illusion" I had created of someone rather than, the reality I had in front of me.

Most of the relationships I experienced in my early teens were "online long-distance type" relationships, but they hurt just the same.

I know some people say, you can't truly love someone you never met. But I disagree.

Admittedly, you may not love "said" person for who they are, however, you do fall pretty hard in love with the illusion you've created.

Your mind has spent endless hours fantasising about how amazing things are going to be when you meet up, how gorgeous they look in their pictures and how perfect everything's going to be when you get to take your relationship to the next level. For some people, they might have even stopped real-life dating to invest fully in waiting to meet the person of their dreams from online.

And in my opinion, that's totally ok. It's 100% your choice.

I don't feel anybody has the right to tell you that your feelings aren't valid or that you should move on and break out of your fantasy just because you've never met said person face-to-face.

Because at the end of the day, what if everything you think is right?

What if you two really do have a super-strong connection and you're both waiting eagerly on the other-side of the country for each other?

There's no rule book as to where your soulmate, partner or twin flame is going be. You just have to follow your heart and see where it leads.

I have waited for people who were in different countries. In my eyes, it's just as much of a risk as assuming your current partner isn't cheating on you. Your feelings that they're being true and sincere in their words, are just as strong and hopeful as me believing I'm not being catfished or my person is just as honest and true.

I've poured my heart out to people and waited endlessly for broken promises aged 14-15; expecting them to be just as game as I was, to be just as passionate and driven as I was. But they weren't.

They didn't love or value me the way I loved and valued them.

And why? Because they weren't the illusion I had created of them in my head and heart.

That's why my was heart broken. I discovered reality didn't match up with the picture and expectation I had created in my head of how things were meant to be. And also, because of the fact, the other person hadn't been true to their word which was very naive of me to believe, you could say.

To my surprise, after being scolded for so long as a child for telling lies, you don't expect to grow up into a world full of liars and deceit. But hey, that's how it is.

People lead others on easily as though words mean nothing. When in fact; Words paint a picture.

I know young teens and young people in general, may feel reluctant to get serious with someone because they don't truly understand relationships or the conserquences of what it's like to hurt or be hurt. I know they probably suffer from peer pressure and are coming to terms with their sexuality and sex drive. They may also, feel lost and overwhelmed by all the options being given to them in life and I get that.

Nevertheless, pain is still pain no matter who or where it comes from.

To be honest, I would even go as far as to say that as I got older and more towards 15-16 years of age that underneath it all, I developed into one of those people.

One of those people who didn't know what I wanted, because I had so many options.

Yet, most of my options were the result of an illusion showing "what could be" with someone based on the films I'd watched, rather than the much lesser reality of "what truly was".

But that first hurt, the first hurt I felt, I believe set the standard.

The standard for the rest of my life which opened me up to the fact, people aren't as honest as I had naively believed them to be. The world isn't as pure as I had hoped.

When you learn people are liars, it makes the battlefield of love become a whole new game.

When you learn it boost's some people's confidence to lead a bunch of people on, as well as to cheat and to some other's, cat fishing may just be a means of killing time; you notice the odds stacking up against you.

Why the heck would you want a relationship with anybody now, after learning all of that?

You realise there's a lot more risk involved in relationships. As you get older, people have a lot more experience with relationships which may be either good or bad but also knowing, their past relationships can influence your future relationship if not handled correctly.

Love is a battlefield, but it shouldn't be.

I don't think anybody can play the game of love without receiving at least one life long scar; even if it was from a relationship or crush at a very young age.

I've had my heart broken by people who didn't live in the same country as me and people who've lived 5 minutes down the road from me. Distance doesn't make any difference when it comes to pain, so it shouldn't when it comes to love either.

Let's look at Pyschology of why you might struggle to move on...

Honestly, breakups are crap. I haven't had any official breakups yet but trust me, I learned a hell of a lot from the situation-ship type breakup's I've experienced.

You can't expect yourself to just magically feel better the next day. Life doesn't work that way.

It's going to take a whole lot of pain, tears and snot for you to feel better and I think that's one of the most important points to remember. It's ok to cry.

It doesn't matter what your gender is, it's ok to cry.

It's ok to feel like total crap because that's what the situation is. Total crap.

If you had fallen down the stairs and had a massive spike go through your leg, you'd probably cry because the pain would be unbearable.

So, why feel embarrassed to cry at the pain of heartbreak? It's still pain.

Sometimes having a good cry and letting it all out will make you feel 100x better than holding it all in. If you're not a crier (for whatever reason) then maybe, take yourself there in your true feelings maybe listening to some sad songs for a little while and see if you can shed a tear. It will really help. But also, don't wallow for too long either. If you still don't shed a tear then that's ok too, maybe you're just not a crier.

Go easy on yourself and remember, your brain is going through the process of losing someone you saw so much potential with and had dreams and aspirations of being with. It's not going to be easy.

It's like when you lose your favourite teddy as a child. You're heart is ripped out and you know you'll never get to see that person in the same light again. It's horrible and it's, literally, a traumatising experience for some. It's a loss, no different than death or losing your favourite teddy.

Your body is processing the event where; you've lost something which meant a lot to you, and is coming to terms with knowing you may never have that in your life again and the decision might have been made for you by someone else which adds fuel to the fire.

That in itself is downright awful. It really is. Without even considering the impact it may have on shared living spaces and mutual friendship groups.

However, as with all pain. Once the wound heals, you'll be ok again.

You will be ok.

It might take days, weeks, months or maybe even years, but it will happen.

It might be hard to see the sunshine through the storm; but there was a time in life previously without this person where you coped amazingly, there will also be a time without this person where you cope fantastically again.

This time, you will be stronger. And that's not just a cliche saying.

You'll be stronger from losing something you thought you wouldn't be able to cope with losing. But hey, you'll be standing there stronger than ever, shining brighter than ever.

And why?

Because, as one of my favourite quotes says;

"You survived because the fire inside you, burned brighter than the fire around you"

Unfortunately, I've had the life experience of knowing people who've ended their life due to relationship breakdowns. At the same time, I have been one of those people who nearly ended my life due to a relationship breakdown.

I know exactly how it feels to try and see a future in a world without someone you loved and adored. I say that from both a relationship and friendship point of view and truly from the bottom of my heart.

I really, truly, deeply understand. However I, and my experience, should be an example of despite, how low you may get and how awful things may become, you always have yourself and you can turn the situation around. No matter what.

During the aftermath of the relationship breakdown, there's literally a fight inside your brain when you try to move on.

The Right Side...

In one corner, you have The Right Side of your brain also known as, the more Emotional Side, processing all of the emotions and feelings that you may be experiencing. This could be; sadness, rejection, anger and hurt etc.

At the centre of the human brain is the Limbic System, which processes emotion and memory. The Limbic System includes a selection of different areas in the brain, however, the two main areas of focus are the Amygdala, which regulates fearful and anxious emotions and the Hippocampus, which processes memory.

During the aftermath of a breakup, when you find yourself dwelling on the memories of the ex, the emotional side of your brain is combing through the Hippocampus replaying and holding onto the stored memories and all of your emotional connections you had to that person. Causing you to overthink the good times and also, presenting them in a way where you can see no wrong in the other person.

This is where the Amygdala then chirps in, with the cycle of attacking your confidence and filling you with anxiety through anxious and self-doubting feelings and thoughts such as;

• a) Whether you made the right choice to break up

• b) Will you ever find love again?

• c) Did you do something wrong to cause the break up?

However, the Hippocampus (the part of your brain that's combing through the memories) can often remember things incorrectly.

Our memory isn't as trustworthy as we may deem it to be and this may be due to; emotional factors at the time of the event, age or just general distraction.

It is more than likely, when you look back on the relationship, you only remember the good times and you remember them with such validity you can't possibly understand how the relationship breakdown came to be. It seemed to come out of nowhere.

Though like I said previously, you probably aren't remembering the good times exactly as they were and you're probably also filling gaps in subconsciously with;

• a) What you liked to think happened or

• b) What you wanted to happen.

This is why we shouldn't believe everything we think.

A good way to stop this, is by noting all the positives you recall from the relationship and then all the negatives, that way you're really thinking about both sides of the coin.

The Left Side...

In the other corner, The Logical Side of the brain, also known as The Left Side presents to you the rational side of the breakup. The facts, actions and harsh reality of what that person actually said or did to cause the breakup.

Maybe it's because they cheated or, maybe they told you they no longer loved you. The logical Side see's the black and white reasons as to why the person left or you chose to end it. There may be little emotion factored into this side of thinking which might be why it's so hard to hear and accept and also, why you might prefer to keep dwelling on the times of happiness and joy.

One thing to be aware of; is noticing when your logical side becomes influenced by the anxious and fearful thoughts from the Amygdala. Stop yourself from blindly thinking, A+B = E and reasons for the relationship ending stem from yourself, because that is not always true.

We all know how we act and see things differently or unreasonably when in highly emotive states. So, cut your brain off from thinking you down that rabbit hole before it even starts. It's not true.

Logically, you might know they were no good for you because you can list and see, that all the negatives outweigh the positives of the relationship.

Yet emotionally, you may keep replaying memories which stir up feelings of comfort and joy rather than, face the heartache which cause you to doubt yourself and keeps you trapped in a cycle of falsely remembering the past.

Truthfully spoken, nothing's ever as good as we remember it. We add bits here and there and make it better than it actually was.

I've been there myself, stuck in the cycle of remembering and feeling. Remembering and seeing the potential of where it could have gone and what if things had been different? Rather than, seeing what was being presented by the person in front of me.

Firstly, this is where self love and self trust is important. Know your worth, re-evaluate your priorities.

• Is this person really someone you want in your life?

• Do they make you feel the way you want to feel?

• Re-evaluate the positives and negatives and ask whether you're seeing the truth in your situation

• Believe in the facts and person shown in front of you. Make no excuses.

• You will heal, it just takes time.

If you chose to walk away, then be confident in your decision if you felt it was fair and true. You are not a bad person for leaving something that you no longer desire or serves you. People change.

Equally, you can't force somebody to love you. If it was their choice to walk away then, that is not an excuse to doubt or criticise yourself. That's like kicking yourself when you're down.

You are perfect as you are and you don't need to change for anyone.

I say that with the belief; you understand and are willing to admit if you did make any mistakes in the relationship, as well as being able to own up to them and fix yourself if needs be.

If someone chooses to walk away from you, then let them go.

I know it hurts, but it's for the greater good.

One thing I always tell myself is "you can't fit a triangle block into a circle space".

It just won't fit so, let it be and try something else. Whatever is meant for you will come without you having to force it and it will bring so much joy into your life you'll know for certain it was meant for you.

I hope this has helped a little bit to fully understand the complex emotions of heartbreak. I know it has helped me by being able to write down and share my thoughts and advice.

Until next time,

Peace and Love x